Monthly archives: October, 2016

My telemarketing robot won a free Florida vacation, but has trouble claiming it.

This is a new bot named Thomas Black (formerly Tommy). He’s been in the random rotation for a while at 206-259-4999, but now he has his own number at 206-259-4995. If you are a subscriber to Jolly Roger Telephone, he can also be summoned to your mobile by texting ‘tb’ to 214-666-4321.

First of all, the scammer is trying to reach “Vicky” and the bot is male. That’s always funny.

So in this call, we have a scammer who tells us we have a vacation “on file”. This vacation is fully funded and all we have to do is claim it. And then she starts talking about all the stuff you get

  • Five days and four nights in Florida
  • Rental car
  • Cruise
  • Some kind of bonus mini-vacation
  • Two additional ports of call
  • Additional destinations

And she could probably keep going. I’ve heard versions where you have “two years to claim your vacation”, etc. Sometimes I wonder where the “too good to be true” warning flags kick in for most people. It breaks my heart that people fall for this. I’ve even heard that the agents don’t always know – they think they’re giving away a great vacation for a while, but once they start asking questions their bosses clam up and they end up quitting under hostile circumstances or they get fired for “performance reasons”. We don’t hear it in this call, but in others we hear the catch – there’s a “port destination fee” of $99, or $139, or something insignificant compared to this full package. Just give us your credit card…

So if you are like most of us and you’re tired of these scammers, please help me disrupt their operation by sending as many calls to the Jolly Roger Telephone Company as possible. I have lots of ways to engage with telemarketers that don’t require much effort on your part. And you’ll be surprised how satisfying it can be to hear your telemarketer waste time with these bots.

For only $6/year, you can have unlimited use of my bots by conferencing them into your calls. For a few pennies more, you can “summon” a bot to your phone by texting me. This makes it easier to add a bot because you don’t have to tell the telemarketer to wait. Details about using the bots are at

Enjoy this call!

Podcast episode 9 is ready!

You can find episode 9 of the Jolly Roger Telephone Podcast on Soundcloud or in your favorite podcast app. Or here of course. In this episode I have a really funny call from Human Resources and I also play a nasty call from credit card services. Please enjoy and thanks for listening! Roger



Personal Medical Alert telemarketer wastes time with a (buggy) robot

Hello everyone! I’m hard at work with a TEDx talk presentation and a game to go with it, so I apologize for not posting more often. I have so many great calls!

This call was interesting and entertaining. This is your typical “medical alert” telemarketer who wants to sell old people a medical alert system. Now, these systems are pretty cool. I have no problem with the product. And the agent is cool too. I just assume that none of us want these calls every day. And there’s no way to stop them. It’s almost as if they’ll just keep calling you until you need one. Every day for 40 years. Need one yet?

Unfortunately, Jolly Jenny has a bug during this call, and she didn’t load her complete repertoire. As a result, the clips started repeating way too early and the agent caught on.

Fortunately, the agent just assumed that Jolly Jenny was actually a human clicking on a soundboard. He also correctly assumed that there’s a YouTube channel associated with the technology.

He failed to consider that he was just talking to an Artificial Intelligence designed to waste his time, so he kept going. Trying to talk to the person behind the bot. Of course, there’s nobody behind the bot. He gave up at six minutes. So even though the bot was buggy and the agent knew there was something wrong, this was still a “successful” call. See how low the bar is? The goal is to waste telemarketer time without wasting your time. It doesn’t really matter how.

And the agent had some laughs, so it was a win all the way around. Anyway, please enjoy and thanks for listening!


Big Announcement! Introducing the “Summon a Pirate” Service

This is my second of three HUGE announcements. I am introducing the “Summon a Pirate” service!

To anyone who has used the Jolly Roger Telephone bots, you may have “lost” the telemarketer when trying to add the robot. The process today to add a robot requires you to place the telemarketer on hold, make an outbound call to a robot, and then merge the three calls together. I try to make it as fast as possible, but that second call to the bot can still take long enough time that the telemarketer gets impatient or suspicious and hangs up.

So I have a solution! Next time you get a telemarketer call,

  1. Send a text message to 1-214-666-4321. In the text message, just give me the initials of the robot you’d like to call you. These robots are “Jolly Roger”, “Whitey Whitebeard”, “Whiskey Jack”, “Jolly Jenny”, “Debbie Doldrums”, and “Salty Sally”. So if you want Whitey Whitebeard to call you, just text the initials ‘ww’. Uppercase or lowercase. I’m trying to add all the autocorrect combinations too.
  2. Within a second or two, the chosen bot will call you back! All you have to do is press “Answer/Hold”, then “Merge”, and then “Mute”. And there’s no time lost with the telemarketer. They probably won’t even notice.

So obviously, this is designed for mobile phones and it should make it much easier to get your telemarketers talking to a bot. However, the service also works for landlines as well! When texting me, just add enough final digits of your telephone number to make it unique. For example, if you have three telephone numbers in your account, just give me the last couple digits of the number you want the bot to call. So if you have a telemarketer on your landline, just text “jr 50” to 1-214-666-4321 and the Jolly Roger bot will call the number that ends in 50. You should be able to press Flash to pick up the bot, then Flash again to merge the three of you together.

One more little trick. If a bot is calling you and somehow you miss it and it goes to voicemail, you can text “hangup” to 1-214-666-4321 and the bot will hang up the call to you. This way you don’t get a 2 minute phone call of my bot saying “hello” into your voicemail (the bot will eventually hang up if it doesn’t hear any response).

And lastly, I want to make this as easy as possible. So you can actually just text complete gibberish to me and I’ll call you back from a random bot. For a random female bot, use the 214-666-4321 number. For a random male bot, use 214-666-4327. They both work the same, but the 4321 defaults to female, and the 4327 to male.

I am very excited about this because it should make it much easier to use this service from mobile phones. I have the “Landlubber” service to protect landlines, but my options are limited with mobiles. This should make it much easier for you to use these bots. Also, this opens up the bots internationally! With some preparation, I can call anywhere. If you’re not in the US, send me a note, comment, or message and we can figure out how to get this working for you.

Now, here is the scary part for me. Outbound calls and texting costs me money depending upon how many people use the service. This is a variable cost that I cannot predict. So in order to use this service, you need to have outbound calling credit in your account. I have added an item in my web store for “Summon a Pirate” credit. You get 200 minutes of usage for only $8. That’s only four cents per minute, but so far this is for the USA and most of Canada. So if you think wasting telemarketer time is worth it, then head over to my shop at and get some “Summon a Pirate” credit. If you’re an existing subscriber, just put any of your telephone numbers in the text field when you purchase so I can match you up.

I am continuously enhancing this service for you and hope you stick with me! I’m trying to make this as automatic as possible. Now that I have texting integration, I will be expanding upon that feature and may make some other enhancements too. I look forward to hearing from you, so please let me know what you think and help me spread the word!

Thank you!


P.S. All “Deep Six” and “Cannon Shot” subscribers have 10 minutes of credit, so please try it out!

Jolly Roger Telephone podcast episode 8 has been posted!

I just posted episode 8 of the Jolly Roger Telephone podcast. I make a HUGE announcement in this podcast regarding the “Summon a Pirate” feature. I’ll post something on the blog and Facebook shortly about this service. Also, I play some calls of telemarketers feeling helpless and getting angry.

Thank you as always for listening along! I’m constantly trying to enhance the Jolly Roger service, and this Summon a Pirate feature should make things much easier for you! Please enjoy this episode:


Podcast episode 7 is ready!

I have posted episode 7 of my podcast. In this episode I discuss telemarketing as usual but I also have a really exciting announcement about protecting landlines using the “Landlubber” service. I get into details about how this new feature really disrupts telemarketers and their technology. I also include a few calls as usual. Thanks everyone for reading, listening, and following along. This Landlubber service is the most exciting announcement since I launched the bots. Listen here, or just search your favorite podcasting app for “Jolly Roger Telephone”.


Short but funny call – narrated by Roger

This call was so short that I wanted to narrate it a bit. How could a 21 second call be so funny? Just listen.

If you want to hear more calls with narration and commentary by me, check out my podcast. Just search your favorite podcasting app for “Jolly Roger Telephone”. Here is the soundcloud link to the original files.

Jolly Roger bots are ready to protect your landlines!

Big news!

I’ve just finished development of my “Landlubber” service, which will protect your landlines out there! It uses a common feature called “simultaneous ring” that most modern landline providers offer. They all call it something different, but this is how it works:

  1. If you haven’t already done so, subscribe to the Jolly Roger Telephone Service. If you are not familiar with it, I’ll explain at the end of this announcement
  2. Configure your landline’s “simultaneous ring” feature to call the Jolly Roger Landlubber number at 206-259-4949
  3. When you get a call to your landline, your carrier will also ring Jolly Roger, and I will look up the “reputation score” of that caller-id (I’ll explain this below)
  4. If that caller-id is a likely telemarketer, A Jolly Roger bot will answer the call. This will stop the ringing on your landline and you can continue enjoying your meal.
  5. The Jolly Roger bot will chat with the telemarketer for a while. When the call is over, It will email you the recording. It’s very entertaining.
  6. If that caller-id is unknown or not a likely telemarketer, The Jolly Roger bot will ignore the call and you can answer it or let it go to your machine/voicemail.

WHAT WE DO: For those of you new to this service, The Jolly Roger Telephone Company provides robots that talk to telemarketers. We all know that yelling at them or hanging up on them doesn’t work. So I have robots that will keep them engaged. With this Landlubber service, it requires NO ADDITIONAL EFFORT on your part to protect a landline. The bots handle everything.

HOW WE SCORE THE CALLER: I use a service called TrueCNAM that provides a real-time reputation score of the caller-id. It’s a wonderful and complex algorithm that tells me if the caller is a likely telemarketer.

WHY JOLLY ROGER IS BETTER: Here is why Jolly Roger bots are better than any other telemarketer blocking service:

  • The “autodialers” that telemarketers use get stuck when they hit a Jolly Roger bot. The machines think it’s a real person and send the call to a HUMAN agent.
  • Telemarketers waste time with Jolly Roger bot for several minutes (they rarely figure out it’s a bot) so they are unable to call anyone else. Even if they do figure it out, they’re at the mercy of their autodialing machines and they’ll just get the bot again next time. It’s in THEIR BEST INTEREST to stop calling you! You don’t need to care anymore.
  • You get a recording of the call, which is extremely entertaining.
  • If the caller was NOT a telemarketer, you still get the message. They just chat with your bot for a few minutes.

You can hear plenty of examples of these bots in action on my YouTube channel. Or just search for “Jolly Roger Telephone Company” and you’ll find lots of audio.

To those of you already familiar with this service, I really appreciate your kind words and support. I’m just a telephone guy trying to protect your phones. I don’t have a marketing department so I can really use your help to spread the word. Please contact me at roger at or via Facebook if you have any questions or comments about the service! I’m so excited to announce this Landlubber service!

If anyone out there in the UK wants to test this with a local UK number, please let me know!

Thank you everyone!



Podcast episode 6 has been posted!

This podcast contains several nasty calls – lots of anger and insults from various telemarketers. Some are just snips of the best parts, and some are the entire call. If you are angry and frustrated with telemarketing, you’ll enjoy hearing those emotions transferred to the other end of the line. Please enjoy!

“Super” Telemarketer from the UK talks to a robot for a while

I want to say thank you to my subscribers in the UK! This one is fun because you’ll hear a lot of UK-specific companies mentioned in this call.

This is a call from a company conducting a survey. But buried in the call is a disclaimer that any of the companies mentioned in the survey may contact you. So I call this a super-telemarketer because they are innocently conducting a survey that will completely open the floodgates for more telemarketing to you.

The other interesting thing is this telemarketer knows a lot about us. Nothing unusual I suppose, but when the telemarketer says my name, telephone number, and address right at the beginning of the call, it always makes me feel a little violated, you know? Why be so “in your face” about how much they know about you? It doesn’t affect the survey results, you know? Is it a cultural thing? Do people in the UK expect this level of intrusion? Was it an offshore team who put this survey together? And perhaps they don’t think it’s unusual to rattle off a bunch of private information at the beginning of the call?

I have a feeling that this survey is all about one particular question about Payment Protection Insurance, but I’m too far from that scam to know much about it. Any of you in the UK, please fill me in!

But no matter where you are in the world, this call will make you feel good. The supervisor ends up getting on the phone to have a go with Whitey, and they end up getting a little frustrated. Not enough to get abusive, but you can hear it and it is very satisfying.

Please enjoy and thanks for listening!