Hello Internet! Can you post some suggestions for bots here? Keep them simple! I’ve heard lots of great ideas about kids, dogs barking, things breaking, and other distractions. But this bot works best with simple inane statements. Humans can usually tell when things are scripted. I think the original bot works only because I’m inane in real life. When I try to get elaborate, they can tell.
So simple statements like “I was just posting something on Facebook but I’m done now. Say that again?”
Keep it clean. Go!
Follow Us On Twitter
Follow Us On Facebook
Follow Us On Youtube
I’m a father to four children, I believe all these would work very well:
*background crying* “Yeah, yes” *background crying intensifies, sound of shuffling objects* “Hmm, that does make sense” *Background crying grows louder* “Can you hold on a second, I need to change a diaper” *sound of Velcro, shuffling, crying either intensifies or lessens* “Sorry, I was dealing with a poop diaper” — Duration of events ~1:15 seconds
“Mommy! Mom-mom. Mommy!” occurring in the background, think “bee on my arm” and “crawling up my arm, … freaking me out” with “STOP. Stop licking the TV, sorry she/he’s licking the TV again, can you start again” — Duration of events similar to “Bee on my arm”
“I’m warming up a bottle, do you remember when it’s too hot? I don’t think it’s burning my arm now but I’m not sure if it’s too cold. Do you have kids?” — Duration of events similar to “Woke up from nap, hey honey, do we have coffee, etc”
“Hey, let me ask you this, do you have a babysitter, the kids here are going crazy and I’m looking for suggestions, oh yeah keep talking I’m researching” *keyboard typing* — Duration ~35 seconds with keyboard typing sounds
“This sounds like a great idea, do you mind child about this, she’s a whiz at this stuff” *background crying “I want phone”, “No I want the phone” (older child voice), “Honey give her the phone just for a little bit”, small child mumbles incoherently, “Ok her time is up, give it to the big kid now”, *phone drop sound*, “Ok I’m back, can you start over it’s chaotic here” — Duration ~ 2:00 minutes
Hope this helps, keep up the good fight!
Please don’t approve this for moderation publicly
Roger — can send you some PCM 16 bit WAVs of my children and general background noise/events if useful. License would be Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. Have three female children, one female wife, one male son.
Whoops I approved this so your next one did too. I just turned it off. It sounds good but all the mixing will be tough. Can u email me?
I dug around and couldn’t find your E-Mail, WHOIS has you through GoDaddy Privacy so didn’t have a direct contact. I’m (base64 decode this in case it ends up going through again, no worries my friend on the transitive approval) — bmF0aGFuQHBhY2tldG1haWwubmV0Cg==
Roger at jollyrogertelephone dot com
Can get you any audio format you need, just figured PCM 16bit WAV would be the most universal. If you can come up with scenarios we’re happy to act them out. Happy to help in any way I can, wish I could share the kid smiles here as they watch the videos and laugh at “bee on my arm” and “umm… yeah” and “yes”. I’m the guy doing the data MODEM ATA on ’em with CID filtering, we conversed previously on the ‘comments’ section here. Keep up the good fight, I love it.
Hold on – I was just learning to make smiley faces on my lattes . I’m getting ready for a championship barista contest.
Did you know that you cannot modify the word unique? Think about it – can u say–/ Very unique? Noooo no no no- it either is or it isn’t, see? If I don’t like someone, I won’t correct their grammar and just let them sound ignorant. It’s really the best revenge.
Hold on, I’m just putting some tea tree oil on my toenail fungus, once a day for up to a year and it will go away, no heavy medications needed and it makes everything smell so good!
“Sorry, my wife is walking around the house half naked… I should be used to it because she does it all the time. Im sorry what was that you just said?”
Say that after the bit when you say your groggy and ask her if theres any coffee.
“What’s your name again? ________, I might have to get you to hang on Just a minute, I think the exterminators are here…I’ve got to get rid of the bedbugs…my husband is going to leave us if I don’t get this cleaned up (insert periodic heart wrenching sobbing and sniffling noises)…no one has ever loved me like he does…have you ever had bedbugs in your house? I googled how to take care of them and I’m trying so hard to make him happy, but I’m afraid he’s going to leave me anyway…I’m so sorry, I don’t usually open up like this with strangers…you just sound so kind…has anyone else ever told you that your voice sounds understanding? I feel like I could tell you anything…I’m so sorry for burdening you…what am I going to do without John? Could I have your number so I can get to talk to you again sometime? I could even try to buy something you’re selling if I could get some money from John’s wallet…what are you selling again? Wait a minute, can you hold on? I think I see a truck out front…(pause a minute) No, it didn’t stop her…oh what am I going to do if they don’t come? (crying) What should I do if they can’t get rid of them? I’m not sure I could live without John…what’s your name again? Oh, ______, please promise you won’t tell John I talked to you about him…he’s so jealous…he tried to hurt the mailman last year cause he said I was cheating with him…I couldn’t live with myself if he hurt you…”
I could go on and on with this scenario…thanks for the diversion! It was the perfect culmination to a stressful workday! 🙂
ps. Love your idea, but we found another solution – we screen all our calls with caller ID and let our answering machine answer when we don’t know the number…our message says, “Thank you for calling; we’re sorry we can’t take your call; leave us a message and we’ll get back to you…everyone EXCEPT telemarketers…have a GREAT DAY!!” Pretty easy to spot the telemarketers…they’re the ones who hang up!!! 🙂
Excuse me a second, my cat is purring so loud I didn’t hear you. He’s an orange cat. Can you hear him purring? Who did you say you were again? Do you have cats? I really like cats.
It’s not really specific to a female bot, but I think it would be great if you could make the bot pretend to be someone “just a little” hard of hearing. Ask the telemarketer to speak up, and if the volume rises, then you reengage with them, and be a strong incentive for them to try again. If they don’t speak up you can say you can’t hear them when they try to pitch to you and force them to speak up to get that engagement. It may work several times because they may think that they have forgotten to speak up. This may be a way to disrupt other callers who may be working in the same room.
Have an oven timer go off in the background, say you need to go get something out of the oven, or the dryer. A doorbell ringing, something like UPS or the postman needing a signature.
Some response lines that may get those card service gestapo bots, and the marketing morons aiming to make the big sale:
…wait…can you repeat that third word in your fourth sentence?
…I’m interested, keep talking while I finish peeling the skin off of my face…
…oops…(louder) Oh crap! Hey! Did I just run over that guy?!?
…keep talking, I can listen while performing CPR…
…did you hear that? I think the UFO flying over my house wants to speak to you…
…you sound like my hero, Mr. Trump…can you say, “You’re Fired!” for me?
…Cleatus! Turn down that there TV set, I’m trying to get me a date!
…I really love the sound of squealing brakes, you have that same tone…
…I just sent in that payment, trust me, I’m Republican…
…do you have a record of when I paid my bill twelve years ago last Wednesday?
…Oh…how does that work if I have a full colostomy bag?
…I just asked for a loan from my ex-wife, and I gave her your address…
…what was your name again? I think I knew your sister….
…do you know of a good Forensic Proctologist?
…that sounds exactly like the time I tried LSD…
…well, I don’t have any clothes on right now, but I can do two things at once…
…did you know that telephones are evil aliens sent to absorb our memories?
I can go on and on…..You have a GREAT idea, and I can’t wait to hook my phone up to Jolly Roger!
Large barking dog in background…
“OMG! My Vera Bradley purse just arrived and I have to sign for it! I think my german shepard is going to attack the delivery man. Can you hold a second?”
phone clanks with dog still barking in back ground for 2 minutes.
“
*loud thump, followed by a yelp, and 15 seconds of background scuffle*
*heavy, pained breathing.*
Sorry…ow. Owwww. I dropped the phone on my foot. Wow, that really hurts. What were you saying?
After a minute or so…
Ow! Sorry, I think I need to go get an ice pack. *15 seconds pass* Okay, I’m back. Sorry, that really hurt. Can you start over?
I’m sorry, just a second, my Mom just sent me a text… She’s trying to watch a movie and she says all the people are green… hold on a second. There’s a cable on their dvd player that comes loose. . . let me just call her . hold on a minute. [ background call to instruct mother how to find the loose cable and plug into the back of the TV] (this really happens to me)
I’m sorry. What?
Can you repeat that?
Wait a sec, I’m in the bathroom, and I don’t want to drop the phone.
I’m sorry. I just dropped the phone and didn’t hear what you said.
I really have to pee, can you hold on a minute?
Did you just say English muffin? I swore I thought you said English muffin.
Man, I’m hungry.
Wait, what time is it? Oh damn! I’m late… wait … oh, it’s OK. I thought it was later. I can keep talking. What were we talking about?
Can you hold on a second? My cell phone is ringing, and I really have to take that call. (improvise a discussion with girlfriend / boyfriend / mom / dad /etc.)
I had this happen once. I was on my cell phone and a train went by. It was alot of noise asking for them to speak up, hold on a second I gotta move. Can you hear me now? I still can’t hear you. Hang on i’m going inside so I can hear you.
… can you hold on a sec? I think it would be better to talk to my husband. [To background…] Honey! Honey! Could you come get on the phone?… [Muffled] Yeah, can you get on the phone with these guys? I don’t understand what they are asking for… [switch to man’s part]
(and need a similar version for the man’s part calling the wife to take over)
… frig! darn fly. hold on a sec, I’ve been trying to get that bugger. Can you hold on? … [background] Where did you go little fly? [back to foreground]. He lost me. I’m gonna get him though.
(both geneder)
“…I see”
“umhm…”
“Oooh…”
“Aah…”
“hmm WoW…ok”
“…I don’t think I get it. Can you tell me more?
“…I don’t think I understand. can you tell me more?
“does this comes any coupons?…ok…”
“how much does this saves me again?…sure”
“what does this requires me to do?”
“Does it works?’
“I’m properly being crazy, but I don’t think I really get it”
“who are you again?”
“you’re John right?””…oh”
“how much is this?”
“hold on let me get something to write…
where is my pen? and where did I put the paper?
I am sorry could you give me a min? I cannot find my pen.
Hi I’ve find my pen. What were you saying again?”
” oh excuse me, you can continue.”
“hold on it’s the morning delivery. Can you gimme a sec, I will be back shortly.”
” oh sh*t. oh sh*t, ooh sh*t. Hello? Hello? you still on? Can you repeat what you just said, I’ve just dropped my phone.
“What is an africaeaustralis? oh I’m sorry, it just came on top of my head. You can keep going.”
(female)
“Hi”(think kindly and beautifully when saying that)
“oh”(short and quick)
“oh really”
“Oh My God…WOW”
“I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand. Can you repeat that again?’
“wait hold on, can you tell me more?”
“wait hold on, can you repeat that again?”
“can I have a moment? I left my keys somewhere in my room and I need to find it.”
“can you gimme a moment? I dropped my nail somewhere in the room”
“achoo x 3… excuse me””where are we again?”
“is this weird, or it is me? I’m getting confused. Can you explain more?”
“oh wait, I think I forgot something….can you gimme a sec?…… oh I’m sorry I cannot remember, you can continue.”
“oh I have a question… about… hmm… oh wait was it… hmm… oh I’ sorry I forgot. you can continue.”
“oh yea, which color do you think it looks better? baby blue or pink? oh I’m sorry, I’m just talking out loud. Can you repeat what you’ve just said?”
“um, I ‘m sorry but if you don’t mind I’m polishing my nails. so I’m gonna be a little quiet for a while. you can keep telling me more about it.”
“can you give me a sec. Johnny, it’s the one to the right. just pick the green one. ok I sorry, I’m back, who is this calling again?”
“hold on, I need to ask my aunt about something ok I’m back, can you repeat that again?”
“I’m sorry, but can you repeat that again, I want to be on the right page.”
“so what color does it comes with? maybe pink? I love pink, it’s like the cutiest color for it. Do you like pink? I love pink, it matches soo many of my stuff. I think it looks great with pink. Oh, you can continue what you’re talking just make sure when it comes it comes with pink.” “…ummhmm, ummhmm”
(male)
” oh f*ck. Hello? Hello? you still on? Can you repeat what you just said, I’ve just dropped my phone.
“hold on. Are you from the daily show? Because you sound exactly like ”
“what’s your name again? I think I’ve forgot”
“wait, did you say it comes with something?”
“where is this?”
“wait, can you explain how this works again?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t hear you.”
“wait how does it works?”
“Aachoo!… x’cuse me”
“, oh my god… you can continue.”
“oh f*ck. . Ouch. I’m ok. Can you repeat what you’ve just said?’
“wait didn’t you’ve just said that… can you explain it again?”
“So this is like err… hmm, you know what, can you tell me just a little bit more?”
(asian)
“Hawllo?
“Yeas. Yes?”
“Noh?…wat? I cann’t hear U”
“You. Speak. Louder?”
“Cann U speak. Louder?’
“wat?”
“haw?”
“wat? Four fifitie? soo ex.pen.sive!…haw?”
“err. Thank you?”
“It’s guood?”
“me n my friend think guood.”
“ookay…”
Wow! That is a great list.
If they think they’re talking to more than one person, then there’d be a further reason for them to repeat things.
Something squeaky-clean and would definitely throw them off would be a voice that sounds like a teenage girl answering “hey,” and after a few moments says something like, “well let me put my dad on the line he’d be interested.” Followed by a few things like “daddy, phone’s for you,” “but, I just cleaned my room last weekend,” etc. Then an older voice goes “Hi, you were talking to my daughter, she didn’t really explain why you were calling so would you mind telling me what you told her?” Could take a few minutes to get through.
“Sorry hold on, believe it or not I am a female gamer and guess what, you caught me in the middle of a raid. Raid is when a bunch of people get together to kill a dragon or something.. anyway can you wait just two minutes? Thanks you’re a doll.”
Is there a female bot? Since my number is listed under my name, I think a male answering might be more suspicious.
Yes! I have one in beta. Can you email me at Roger at jollyrogertelephone dot com and I’ll give you the number. Please try it!
*on a certain word or phrase have the bot go into a massive sneezing attack then have it say.* “Oh sorry, my allergies were acting up, can you please repeat what you just said?”
Or have it go into a coughing attack and have it say, “sorry, I’m just getting over a cold, could you repeat that?”
Fairly close to the start of the call, it should say something that makes those Windows-support scammers think you are at your computer:
“Sorry, I was just cleaning my computer mouse so I wasn’t really paying attention. Sorry about that. What did you want me to do?”
or
“Hang on a moment, I’ve got an error message on my computer screen… uh… Cancel. Alright it’s gone.”
(From my real life, works with either gender.)
“Hey, hold on a second, my granddad is 99 years old. I’m totally interested in this, but I need just a second.”
(background, old man talking, conversation)
“Okay, okay…. cool. Yeah, just. I gotta make sure he doesn’t fall while he’s getting to the table. Please tell me again, who is this? What are you calling about?”
“Pop! You need some coffee?”
“Sorry, keep going, I’m just getting him some coffee.”
(Noises in the background, old man might be swearing (my grandfather actually does, a lot))
“Okay, this sounds good. Give me a sec.” (laughs)
(background, smiling while helping the old man: “Here, let me put the cream in there. Okay, there’s a spoon for ya.”)
Smiling: “Okay, okay, I think THAT’S taken care of. I know it’s a lot going on. Sorry, what were you telling me before he needed some coffee?”